An E-mail. Subject line: Resignation.
Is this my life? How, why? Ugh. Grr. Not ME!!
Message body, very kind and respectful. Didn't say half things I wanted to. (I'm such a good Christ-follower.)
His Reply: a sarcastic jab. Manipulated words that appear professional, but after 6 weeks of knowing him I see how they're meant to be read.
What a jerk! I should have said everything I wanted to say. After all, only a small part of it would be to make me feel better - it would really be for the next person who works there. I'd be doing this for them! not me.
Day 43, Journal Entry: Abba Father.
I tell Him about how I am confused, don't know what to do. I don't want to choose the wrong way. I want His approval and blessing, and know that He's pleased with me. Everything I'm not getting from that man who calls himself an employer. Grr. Ugh. Well fine. I'm done.
Lord, what does this say, about how I am with You? What I believe about You?
Day 44, Journal Entry. Better than any Little House on the Prairie episode ending I've ever seen:
(Choosing to find God, to give thanks, in this situation thanks to One Thousand Gifts by Ann Vonkamp.)
I see You in this situation because I see what You are not: harsh, rude, inconsiderate, mean, short-tempered, impatient, ungrateful, never able to be pleased, condescending, manipulative, insulting, - leaving me to my own devices and blaming me when I don't get it right.
NO! You are a kind, good Father. Who loves me and helps me every step. You protect and assure. Watch over, assist and fulfill. You lead me by still waters and let me lie down, stay with me and serve me and anoint my head with oil. You are the best Master ever!! Because even if I do through through those dark, unpleasant valleys - You travel there with me. You lead my hand and identify with me in the valley as I identify with You outside of the camp (Hebrews). We are there for each other.
You emptying me of evil, and what has no place, nothing to do with You, and You fill me with You. Your presence, Your closeness - so deep, so thoughtful, fulfilling and rich. It's where I find joy and rest. Peace and hope. You renew me. I want to serve You all the days of my life. I want to be like Dobbee (from Harry Potter) for You - Totally consumed with what You're about and wiling to do anything for You because I love You. Not just to make You happy or please You so I'm in the clear. Because I've covered my tracks and - look there they are!! I can't get into trouble with You because I've meet the requirements!
Why?
Why do I feel You can't be trusted? That I can't entrust myself to You fully, because - just in case I miss something - You'll cast me out?
Take that away, Father! Why do I have that worry?! O Lord, why do I seek to protect myself from the unexpected?! Especially when, God, You see it all! I mean, is it lazy for me to just trust You to show me when I'm in the wrong? To trust Your covering grace when I mess up, when I'm in the wrong?
I know You don't work like that! (Referring to the begging part of Day 44).
There is no 3 Strikes limit because YOU'RE NOT KEEPING A RECORD OF WRONGS! (My breath comes in short now, tears streaming down my checks as I finish writing the sentence in my journal. My soul gives way and I feel as if a thousand year old damn has been broken and healing, Living water is rushing forth!) O my God, O my God! My life is lived as if You can't be trusted!!
You are just, yes - but You're fair as well. You do not lord it over me but seek to just draw me up into Your lap. To hold me and show me the way. To have Jesus do the work in me, through me. Take the pressure off. I'm not seeing You rightly!
You're my Abba <3
You discipline, yes, but it's only so I'll learn.
You guide and direct my steps. - I'm not on my own!
You show me my errors and faults - I don't have to fear that unturned rock being my downfall - a reason to cast me out of Your presence because I failed somehow. - Why? Because Jesus. never. Stops.
He never stops praying for me, wooing me, drawing me near. He never stops serving me, and cradling me, strengthening me, sustaining me, meeting all my needs. He never stops being my Hope, my Joy, my Air, and Sustenance. O all this time it has never been up to me!!
Found in Your courts, grazing in Your pasture, Jesus will do all it takes - whatever it takes - to see that I stay in the fold. He will never stop. & if I am found wondering outside - by mistake or foolish choice - He will seek me out. & He will find me. He will gather me close: my shaking, stubborn, weary body and He will hold me close. Running His rough carpenter hands over my hair He will sing to me. Calm me down with melodies of His love for me. & When my crying is done, He will triumphantly lift me to His shoulders, grinning ear to ear because our union has been restored! & He, He will bring me Home.
O God but You are wonderful!
I felt almost as if I couldn't breathe!!!
I will give thanks in all things. Because by Him and through Him and to Him all are things and He can be seen in it all if I call upon His Name to see. My soul will magnify the Lord because He is a good Father, who gives good gifts - EVERYTHING is a gift from God because His grace is there in it - to His children. My Abba never stops giving good gifts to me.
So this is how you can count it all as Joy?
Morgan
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