More than Words

He loves me at my deepest need.

He will never leave me or forsake me.

He was left and forsaken by God for me.

His love reaches me where I need Him most, and I am filled, I am healed. I'm am brought low as my spirit rises up to meet Him. 

"Don't you know that I'm here to stay?" - Jesus. (I am the Way, Mark Schultz).

I've been struggling with how little Jesus says "I love you" in the bible. I'm really big on words so this was seriously getting to me. I wrestled with it because I'm like, well, I know Jesus loves me, but why didn't he say so more often? And why do all these verses talk about God loving us, and not Jesus. Or loving us through Jesus. It bugged me. I hated feeling this way because I felt so bad for even questioning Him, after all He's done. And sometimes I was even like "well maybe He only did it for God, to make God happy. Or because He had to - I mean, He's Love, right? Did he really have another choice?" (I know you can see that he did by his prayers in the Garden, but still).

Today, I was feeling really low and depressed. Why? Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't due too hot on my Sign final and . . . I feel like I made some bad decisions at the grocery store, ones Nate should have been there for input on (but he preferred I go today so we wouldn't have to over the weekend, he was cool with it, I'm just a freak). I CANNOT handle NOT being absolutely perfect. I can't handle any flaws, any mistakes, or failures. It gets to me and totally brings me down. There is no "you tried your best and that's what matters" because, well, what if I could have done something before the event that would have meant I had a better "best". Does that make sense? I could have studied harder, I could have researched more about Quinoa before going to the store (even though I studied everything twice, and researched the new way of eating that we're thinking of for the past few days and for an hour before leaving home. Even took pictures off websites for my phone.)

When I got home, I really wanted Nate to come home and hold me but it wasn't even 4 yet, so that wasn't gonna happen. I knew I should go to Jesus but I wasn't really sure what to say besides "God, I feel so low right now." 

I like, never do this, but I went to Air 1 and listened to the tid-bits they offer of the current top songs. One by Building 429 totally got me, something about "when you feel like you'd rather sink than swim, I'm right by your side" I don't know, but immediately I start crying. Tears are falling. And right away, I feel the Healing Jesus is to my soul, my life. 

Over the next hour, God revealed to me how Jesus loves me. That song, and the one that lead me to Christ when I was 12 (I am the Way by Mark Schultz), and ones like it have ALWAYS gotten to me because I love, I mean I can't-get-enough-of, completely attach to the idea that Jesus will never leave me. While trying to walk on the treadmill, I had to stop it because all the sudden, I started remembering a time when I was 5 years old and my grandparents had to come into my room because I was crying and so afraid that they were going to die, - "they were old, and old people die" - repeatedly running through my mind - I didn't want them to leave me. I spent 8 years wondering why my mother didn't love me or want me, living with my grandparents due to her drug and alcohol addiction. - was that just another way that I felt I was left? Does it affect me, even today, more than I realize?  In the 4th grade, I had to find a way to manage in school because my two best friends (more like "only" friends) from the 3rd grade, didn't return that year. Middle school was a big swimming pool and due to the way the school divided things up, the friends I finally managed to make in 4th and 5th grade were no longer at my end of the pool. So I started again. Made some bad choices in friends, but hey, I just wanted so badly to have someone, anyone. Then there's High School. Those 4 years that haunt most people, were a total breeze for me; I had a great group of awesome friends and the only thing I would have changed was my lack of a boyfriend. But then came the 2nd half a senior year, when the ground fell out from my feet and my best friend completely turned her back on me. Or, right before graduation, when the person I was most close to in the world told me we could no longer be friends. That person had their reasons, but those reasons didn't matter to me. All I felt was rejection, and with it so much pain. The kind of pain that screams "you're alone. You're completely alone."

Enter Nate. Even with his ex-girl friend trying to break us up, and my insecurities and doubts about so many things, he has always remained faithful to me. Always fought for "us," always withstood whatever I threw at him. Still to this day, he continues to blow me away with what it means for someone to never falter in loyalty. And yet, even he could leave me. The same way my dad (grandpa) did when he died in 2009. . . 

As all these memories came flooding back, I saw what real love from Jesus means to me. Not just words, kisses, or hugs. But His sacrifice to reach my deepest need,

Timothy Keller explains it kind of like this:

When Job says "though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him" he didn't have to, because God will always save those who trust in Him. Except, for Jesus. Jesus completely depended on a God who forsook Him. For us. "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?"

Jesus endured the pain of being alone, separated, and unloved, to a degree I will never be able to imagine.  And I'll never have to experience it ever, because of Him.

As I wept there, knelling on my treadmill, I pictured Him kneeling and facing me, reaching out His hand to stroke my face. Love in His eyes, a smile on His face. The assurance that He is here, that He will always be here. I will never, ever be alone. I know that is love, and He didn't have to say a word. 

Enjoying Him,

Morgan

What a Savior!

I am feeling so speechless as I learn more about what actually happened when Jesus became human, lived the perfected life, died in our place, became sin, and continues to serve today.

Why? How am I worthy? I find it interesting that it isn't until I look at how amazing Jesus is that I see how wretched I am. I know when God looks at me He sees Jesus but - do I love Him at all? How is it that the smallest of things are so hard for me to give up? I need to catch a glimpse of God that I would run and never turn back. Never look to the right or the left.

God, Father, Abba, continue to show me Who You are. Help me to relish your attributes. Help me to hold on with abandoment to the fact that growing in wisdom and knowledge of You is . . . is everything. For the more I know You, the more I love You, and the more I love You, the more serving You is the least I can do, it is a joy and a delight - it is my duty and my heart's desire.

Jesus, please continue to "Come My Way" (Skillet) I want to touch the hem of your garment - and then I want to envolpe You in a huge bear hug and never let You go.

I can't wait to see Your face.

To hear Your laugh.

Smell Your sent.

Feel your skin, beard and hair.

I'm sorry for not loving You. I'm sorry for anything that I've allowed to come between us. May I continually bow my head along with You in submission to the Father. O God continue to teach me about You through the Word and Your Son! O Spirit, please continue to plant the word in my heart and bring it to light in the midst of life's circumstances: when I can use God or myself&Satan. O Jesus live in me and give me the strength to choose in that moment and for my whole life long - You.

Just read Romans and Eph. 1-3. after listening to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_LOCT-Ehu4

I am so overwhelmed that God loves me and wants me to be His family member - He wants me in His household!

And what can be said of the fact that I will be a co-heir with Christ. Why? O what have I done that I would be worthy? Absolutely nothing, but in their love, mercy, and grace I am a recipiant of it all.

"God is making brothers and sisters for His Son." - Paul Washer.

It's time for bed but I wanted to get this out somehow. <3

The Father’s Bargain – John Flavel

The Father’s Bargain – John Flavel

Hence judge, How reasonable it is that believers should embrace the hardest terms of obedience unto Christ, who complied with such hard terms for their salvation: they were hard and difficult terms indeed, on which Christ received you from the Father’s hand: it was, as you have heard, to pour out his soul unto death, or not to enjoy a soul of you. Here you may suppose the Father to say, when driving his bargain with Christ for you:

Father. My son, here is a company of poor miserable souls, that have utterly undone themselves, and now lie open to my justice! Justice demands satisfaction for them, or will satisfy itself in the eternal ruin of them: What shall be done for these souls And thus Christ returns.

Son. O my Father, such is my love to, and pity for them, that rather than they shall perish eternally, I will be responsible for them as their Surety; bring in all thy bills, that I may see what they owe thee; Lord, bring them all in, that there may be no after-reckonings with them; at my hand shalt thou require it. I will rather choose to suffer thy wrath than they should suffer it: upon me, my Father, upon me be all their debt.

Father. But, my Son, if thou undertake for them, thou must reckon to pay the last mite, expect no abatements; if I spare them, I will not spare thee.

Son. Content, Father, let it be so; charge it all upon me, I am able to discharge it: and though it prove a kind of undoing to me, though it impoverish all my riches, empty all my treasures, (for so indeed it did, 2 Cor. 8: 9.“Though he was rich, yet for our sakes he became poor”) yet I am content to undertake it. Blush, ungrateful believers, O let shame cover your faces; judge in yourselves now, has Christ deserved that you should stand with him for trifles, that you should shrink at a few petty difficulties, and complain, this is hard, and that is harsh? O if you knew the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ in this his wonderful condescension for you, you could not do it.