More than Words

He loves me at my deepest need.

He will never leave me or forsake me.

He was left and forsaken by God for me.

His love reaches me where I need Him most, and I am filled, I am healed. I'm am brought low as my spirit rises up to meet Him. 

"Don't you know that I'm here to stay?" - Jesus. (I am the Way, Mark Schultz).

I've been struggling with how little Jesus says "I love you" in the bible. I'm really big on words so this was seriously getting to me. I wrestled with it because I'm like, well, I know Jesus loves me, but why didn't he say so more often? And why do all these verses talk about God loving us, and not Jesus. Or loving us through Jesus. It bugged me. I hated feeling this way because I felt so bad for even questioning Him, after all He's done. And sometimes I was even like "well maybe He only did it for God, to make God happy. Or because He had to - I mean, He's Love, right? Did he really have another choice?" (I know you can see that he did by his prayers in the Garden, but still).

Today, I was feeling really low and depressed. Why? Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't due too hot on my Sign final and . . . I feel like I made some bad decisions at the grocery store, ones Nate should have been there for input on (but he preferred I go today so we wouldn't have to over the weekend, he was cool with it, I'm just a freak). I CANNOT handle NOT being absolutely perfect. I can't handle any flaws, any mistakes, or failures. It gets to me and totally brings me down. There is no "you tried your best and that's what matters" because, well, what if I could have done something before the event that would have meant I had a better "best". Does that make sense? I could have studied harder, I could have researched more about Quinoa before going to the store (even though I studied everything twice, and researched the new way of eating that we're thinking of for the past few days and for an hour before leaving home. Even took pictures off websites for my phone.)

When I got home, I really wanted Nate to come home and hold me but it wasn't even 4 yet, so that wasn't gonna happen. I knew I should go to Jesus but I wasn't really sure what to say besides "God, I feel so low right now." 

I like, never do this, but I went to Air 1 and listened to the tid-bits they offer of the current top songs. One by Building 429 totally got me, something about "when you feel like you'd rather sink than swim, I'm right by your side" I don't know, but immediately I start crying. Tears are falling. And right away, I feel the Healing Jesus is to my soul, my life. 

Over the next hour, God revealed to me how Jesus loves me. That song, and the one that lead me to Christ when I was 12 (I am the Way by Mark Schultz), and ones like it have ALWAYS gotten to me because I love, I mean I can't-get-enough-of, completely attach to the idea that Jesus will never leave me. While trying to walk on the treadmill, I had to stop it because all the sudden, I started remembering a time when I was 5 years old and my grandparents had to come into my room because I was crying and so afraid that they were going to die, - "they were old, and old people die" - repeatedly running through my mind - I didn't want them to leave me. I spent 8 years wondering why my mother didn't love me or want me, living with my grandparents due to her drug and alcohol addiction. - was that just another way that I felt I was left? Does it affect me, even today, more than I realize?  In the 4th grade, I had to find a way to manage in school because my two best friends (more like "only" friends) from the 3rd grade, didn't return that year. Middle school was a big swimming pool and due to the way the school divided things up, the friends I finally managed to make in 4th and 5th grade were no longer at my end of the pool. So I started again. Made some bad choices in friends, but hey, I just wanted so badly to have someone, anyone. Then there's High School. Those 4 years that haunt most people, were a total breeze for me; I had a great group of awesome friends and the only thing I would have changed was my lack of a boyfriend. But then came the 2nd half a senior year, when the ground fell out from my feet and my best friend completely turned her back on me. Or, right before graduation, when the person I was most close to in the world told me we could no longer be friends. That person had their reasons, but those reasons didn't matter to me. All I felt was rejection, and with it so much pain. The kind of pain that screams "you're alone. You're completely alone."

Enter Nate. Even with his ex-girl friend trying to break us up, and my insecurities and doubts about so many things, he has always remained faithful to me. Always fought for "us," always withstood whatever I threw at him. Still to this day, he continues to blow me away with what it means for someone to never falter in loyalty. And yet, even he could leave me. The same way my dad (grandpa) did when he died in 2009. . . 

As all these memories came flooding back, I saw what real love from Jesus means to me. Not just words, kisses, or hugs. But His sacrifice to reach my deepest need,

Timothy Keller explains it kind of like this:

When Job says "though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him" he didn't have to, because God will always save those who trust in Him. Except, for Jesus. Jesus completely depended on a God who forsook Him. For us. "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?"

Jesus endured the pain of being alone, separated, and unloved, to a degree I will never be able to imagine.  And I'll never have to experience it ever, because of Him.

As I wept there, knelling on my treadmill, I pictured Him kneeling and facing me, reaching out His hand to stroke my face. Love in His eyes, a smile on His face. The assurance that He is here, that He will always be here. I will never, ever be alone. I know that is love, and He didn't have to say a word. 

Enjoying Him,

Morgan